February 8

I HAVE HAVE HAVE to lost 20 pounds by April 1. I HAVE TO. Okay. that’s a little less than two months. So it’s time to up the ante. TWO WORKOUTS A DAY. And none of this louisiana cake shit. none of this cereal, or butter, or milk, or anytihng like that that I KNOW i shouldn’t eat. And finally, i’m doing this for me. Because I DESERVE TO GO TO COLLEGE. Seriously. i fucking deserve it. I deserve to go out, and drink, and study and make life lasting friendships, and do all nighters, and be incredibly successful and pretty. and if to do that, I have to show a little fucking organization, and lose some weight that i hate anyways? It’s getting done. It’s getting done, pronto. So, let’s see what this week has in store for me, shall we? just to show you how far I have to go, even though i’m trying to diet, i’ll give you my food list for today:
-breakfast: yogurt, peach
-Lunch: slice of pizza, two cookies, cranberry juice. where the FUCK do i get off drinking juice? full of sugar and high fructose corn syrup? and eating those sugar cookies.. jesus christ. and pizza? really? pizza? No deal
-Dinner: whole grain pasta with shrimp and herbed parmesan cheese. Better, much, much better.

Okay, workout time!

Just finished work out. WHOO BUDDY. that was a rough one. i can’t tell you how ashamed I was after I was doing my Nike workout and I COULDN’T DO some of the things! Seriously? I’m like the queen of ab and thigh work outs. Where am I? who is this person, with the huge, sticking out stomach, the jiggly fat thighs, the back fat? Seriously. Ew, back fat. Where’s Kara? It’s really sort of scary. Because this is a nightmare. Living in this unhealthy body, with its unhealthy urges and jiggles and jerks... this is scary, it’s my nightmare. Turning in to my aunts, or my mother, turning into someone that Kara Michelle Sims, dreamer and lover of success and beautiful bodies would be so ashamed of. If I were to meet myself four years ago, when I was 14... I would be so surprised, and ashamed... so upset at my failure.. So I have to keep going. Not for my mom, or the world, or for Quadis, or for my friends.. but for that innocent girl. The Kara of 2007, who believed she could do anything.. and that was true. Just because I’m not going to Harvard next year doesn’t mean I’m not successful. Yeah, me and Shawon are over... but that doesn’t change me, me fundamentally. This weight won’t hold me back...because it’s going. So... onto rewards. For this 20 pounds, what do I want? Well, let’s see... I have an ipod, an iphone, a macbook... everything I want. So.. how about that little black dress? Instead of getting it now... i might get it then. Then again, I should get something that I can wear NOW. That will make me feel good NOW. So I will go to Deb and pick something out, that I get to have. yay! This is going to be a struggle.. but I’m not alone. I have people all around me who are exercising, eating correctly, doing the right things.. and I can do it too.